Changes: Personal

Never think you are too old to have big changes happen to you!

Ten years ago, I left the teaching assignment and school in which I thought I would stay “forever.”  (Insert Big Change)

A few weeks ago, I left a second school. (Insert Big Change)

Two years ago, I had my personal life turned upside down unexpectedly. (Insert Unhappy Big Change)

Last summer, I bought my own home for the first time. (Insert Scary Big Change)

And today, I am writing from my own office. (Insert Nice Big Change)

Sometimes, I think about what might be coming next and whether it will make me happy or sad or a some of both. I wonder if I will leave this earth, having done my best for my children, husband and family. My depression disorder has changed my personality in the last two years. That Bad Critic in my head fights me every day to stay sad and negative, to sleep too much and accomplish little. He makes me cry. He gets me paranoid about things that haven’t even happened yet!

Did you know that wild crazy thinking is part of depression? It’s usually the “worst case scenario.” Did you know that raging anger at yourself and others is part of depression, too? I have been in the anger phase for many months. I am trying to recognize when I get mad and turn it off, or sometimes, I recognize it and stop right in the middle of a conversation that is not going well. I try to apologize. It is me. I’m not blaming my behavior and reactions on a disease that I can’t always control.

For so many years, I wore the mask. I think I’ve taken it off and put it away, but if you see a rabbit scampering down a hole, that will be me, hiding.